I’ve had a stutter for as long as I can remember. When I tell people this, they don’t believe me because I speak fluently in everyday conversation. Only when I am anxious, nervous or very excited does my stutter spill out. This makes working in client services difficult, because a simple design presentation can be nerve-wracking. When presenting a design, especially a wireframe that details out the user experience that is intended for the site, you have to be very clear and precise. This presentation is important: You need the client to buy into the structure of the site, the information architecture, and the proposed interactions. To anyone, that would be quite a daunting task. To someone who stutters, it can seem impossible. I have created my own rituals to deal with this necessary part of my job. I have my thoughtful bullet points outlining what I want to say ahead of time and I remind myself to “speak slowly, take breaths, you will be fine.” But it only takes one hiccup, one word my brain will not allow me to say, to throw all of that preparation out of the window. My palms get sweaty, I get flustered, and I stumble and rush through the presentation, craving that finish line like a marathon runner.
Stuttering, as defined by The Stuttering Foundation is, “A communication disorder in which the flow of speech is broken by repetitions (li-li-like this), prolongations (lllllike this), or abnormal stoppages (no sound) of sounds and syllables. There may also be unusual facial and body movements associated with the effort to speak. Stuttering is also referred to as stammering.” The Stuttering Foundation goes on to explain that there are four factors that most likely contribute to the development of stuttering: genetics, child development, neurophysiology and family dynamics. Stuttering affects more than 70 million people worldwide, and is most commonly found in males.
The late Joseph Sheehan, PH.D, developed what is known as, “The Iceberg of Stuttering” to help people who don’t stutter understand some of the truly paralyzing affects it can cause. On the surface, what others see are emotions like anger, shame, and panic. Stutterers tend to withdraw and break eye contact. When I experience a block with a client, I feel bad for them because I am making the situation awkward and uncomfortable, and I feel bad for my team for not being a “team player.” It’s a bit self deprecating, but the feeling that you’re somehow not pulling your own weight is hard to live with. Below the “water line” the iceberg is bigger, and much more intense. Feelings of anxiety, unworthiness, dread and even suicidal thoughts are what the stutterer keeps hidden from the world as a result of this condition.
I’ve had several instances of what I would call bad stuttering, and they mostly have revolved around my presentations with clients in a professional setting. They all start the same: we introduce ourselves, and the “floor” is passed to me, and I begin my presentation. I’ll start by explaining the reason for why we are here, and then I’ll dive into the document (sitemap, user flow, wireframe, or whatever relevant document we’re discussing that day). I’ll usually have easy and fluent speech at first, but it only takes one word that I can’t say, or one interruption I didn’t intend, to mess me up completely. I’ll panic and begin to quicken my pace. Unfortunately, a lot of the meaning behind what I’m trying to convey with my presentation slips my mind as I focus on simply completing the presentation so I can be done with speaking.
One instance I can recall clearly was a wireframe design presentation to one of our higher education clients. I had several ideas and thoughts I was excited to convey to them, and I began by taking my time, explaining the header and utility navigations in detail. Now for some stutterers, certain words feel impossible to say at the moment, so instead, we use another word to convey what we mean, sometimes confusing the client. In this instance I could not say the word “utility” and so I kept referring to it as the top navigation. The client eventually got confused when I called the “main navigation” the “top navigation” and they stopped me mid sentence to ask me to clarify. Seeing my struggle, a coworker jumped in and clarified for me, but the panic and anxiety had already set in and I was on my way to one of the worst presentations I’ve ever given. I tried to pick up where I left off, and slowly began to explain the “main feature area” of their website, but kept getting interrupted with questions. Some clients tend to interrupt when they’re confused by something; I completely understand and respect that. As a stutterer, when I am interrupted and taken out of my cadence, it’s really hard for me to get back into it, especially when I am anxious with added pressure about doing a good job and impressing an important client. It’s difficult to convey complicated ideas and interactions on a website when you’re struggling to simply say the word “feature.”
Luckily, I have recently found some help in the form of group speech therapy. Every Tuesday evening a small group of about fifteen people from all walks of life meet in a little classroom within the walls of Boston University to stutter freely. This place is a safe haven for those with severe stutters, or even those like me, who only stutter in high-stress situations. Each week a graduate student facilitates the lesson, and we break into small groups to discuss. This semester we plan to go over techniques to help when we are in the throws of stuttering, and we will be practicing “mindfulness” which is a technique that helps the stutterer focus on the present, and not worry about past mistakes, or future problems. Mindful.org’s article, “Speaking without Stammering” says, “Those who stammer know all too well that saying to themselves “I don’t want to stammer” or “I will not stammer” is almost invariably self-defeating. The reason is obvious. Affirmations can be useful with certain types of problems, but not with a problem of this kind. The metaphysical “law of indirectness” (i.e. don’t attempt to put a thought or problem out of one’s mind directly but rather let the problem slip from the sphere of conscious analysis) is the right way to proceed. Don’t try … instead, let.” The act of being at peace, and almost friends with your stutter is an idea that is very foreign to me. Since I can remember I have tried to suppress it, sound normal, and avoid words I knew I couldn’t get out.
For most stutterers, “changing your voice” such as singing, whispering or shouting, can often diminish your stutter. “The bottom line is this: Whenever a child or adult who stutters talks differently than the way he usually does, he will be fluent. That includes using a stage voice or a foreign accent or dialect, whispering, singing, speaking to a rhythmic beat, using ‘baby talk' and speaking at a lower or higher pitch than normal. Besides sounding and feeling unnatural, however, these ‘tricks' rarely produce long-term fluency” according to The Stuttering Research Lab of The University of Iowa.
In today’s digital age, there is an app for everything, and stuttering is no exception. “Proactive Speaking” is a mobile speech training app with inspirational videos and talks about managing your stutter. “Stuttering: Simple Techniques to help Control your Stutter” is a similar kind of app with a corresponding book that promises, “The embarrassment of stuttering can be behind you if you follow these simple steps.” Just like with anything else, there is a wealth of knowledge out there for stutterers and it can be hard to find tools that really work. For me, I’ve found podcasts to be helpful. StutterTalk is the first and longest running podcast on stuttering. What I love about this podcast is how open and honest they are about stuttering. Host Peter Reitzes openly stutters, and each episode he talks to a different guest about a topic related to stuttering. I love that the host himself is a stutterer because he humanizes stuttering in a wonderful way. Another great podcast for stuttering is Stuttering is Cool. Started by Daniele Rossi, Stuttering is Cool is a self help book, and podcast that focuses on living with a stutter but truly living, not allowing your stutter to dictate how you live your life. In addition to podcasts and apps, I’ve found several You tube videos on the topic of stuttering. I really enjoyed the short “Let me finish: A Stuttering Documentary” which interviews three stutterer’s, and their past experiences with speaking fluently.
What I love about these apps, podcasts and videos, is how they make stuttering human. Growing up, I was taught that speech impediments are funny. Look at Porky Pig, Sylvester the cat, and Elmer Fudd. Their speech problems provided comic relief for millions of children around the globe, and silently ingrained in their heads that those who speak differently are okay to laugh at. Luckily, the reality of stuttering is being brought to light in a very humanizing way lately. With Colin Firth winning an Oscar for The Kings Speech, showing the world that even great men can stutter, and the 2015 short film, “Stutterer” that shows the painful reality some stutterers live. These films, along with countless others are shedding new light on stuttering, and showing the world that our speech may be different, but we’re still just like you.
For as long as I can remember whenever I’ve felt my stutter coming on, I would avoid the word I was trying to say, or just rush through the conversation. In client services, this is not an efficient way to communicate. My designs rely on effective communication skills to get buy-in from my clients. I’ve tried to ignore my stutter, I’ve tried pumping myself up to shake out the anxiety, I’ve tried laughing at myself, rushing through presentations; I’ve tried it all. Maybe it’s time I opened my arms to my stutter and just allowed it to be a part of me. It’s time I accepted my stutter as a part of me, and not as something I need to hide.